I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
