I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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