My first STD was from a foam party
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
