Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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