My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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