he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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