I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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