Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
