Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
