I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
