I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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