WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
