i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
