Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Im part way to drunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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