Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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