he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
