ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Pooping to opera.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
