i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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