It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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