I think im going to throw up on grandma
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
