You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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