i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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