I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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