i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
