oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
