I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
