Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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