Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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