yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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