i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
