i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize