This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize