Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
