when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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