hotel room ftw
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
