I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
