I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
