what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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