so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
