dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
