Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
