Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
