i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
