What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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