tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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