i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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