sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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