I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
