I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize