where's my purse there's an important taco in it
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
