ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
