i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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