maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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