I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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