i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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