Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
