Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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