Duck Duck Cougar?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
