I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize