Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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